September 10, 2023
In this article, we're going to uncover the golden key to unlocking your child's restful nights: Consistency.
It's no secret that our babies and toddlers can keep us up at night (in phases or all the time) and that, as a parent, you start feeling overtired, exhausted, irritated and full of self-doubt yourself is no surprise. But here's the catch – while every child might seem to follow their own unique rhythm, there is one thing that children have in common and that is that they respond to and thrive by consistency.
Already after their first few weeks of life, newborn babies can start recognizing patterns in their parents' behaviour and simple routines. In the first three months, their sleep rhythm shifts from day to night and that equally is a result of consistency in their surroundings: when it is light outside, there is noise and shorter periods of sleep and when it is dark outside, there is less noise, light and, eventually, longer periods of sleep.
Similarly, simple routines that parents establish, like a bedtime routine, can be recognized even by young babies and provide them with a sense of security.
Predictability gives peace of mind – isn’t it the same for us adults? If we know what to expect, we can lean back and relax. On the contrary, if we are not sure what is going to happen next or how we could influence this, we get anxious and stressed.
You're trying to learn a new skill or routine, and every day the rules change. Frustrating, right? Your little one feels the same way when their sleep routine (and with it their parents’ behaviour and reaction) is completely unpredictable.
Consistency is more than just a buzzword; it's the cornerstone of effective parenting, and especially so when it comes to sleep. Babies and toddlers are like sponges, absorbing information from their surroundings and experiences. When they encounter a consistent sleep routine, their minds and bodies begin to anticipate and prepare for sleep at the designated time. They can relax and drift away with ease knowing that when they wake up, this or this will happen – because it always does.
By offering a predictable routine (which includes predictable reactions from you as the parent to your child’s needs and asks), you're nurturing a sense of security and trust within your child. When they know what to expect, it reduces anxiety and enhances their ability to transition into a calm and peaceful sleep.
Imagine you were told one day that dessert is a special treat, and the next day it's an everyday occurrence. Wouldn’t you be confused? Or maybe even angry because you feel you were fooled the first day? Inconsistency breeds confusion, and confusion often results in resistance.
When you're inconsistent with your baby's sleep routine, when your own behaviour and reactions towards your child are inconsistent, you're inadvertently sending mixed signals. The result can be bedtime battles, frequent night wakings, and even difficulties in falling asleep in the first place.
Your little one's developing brain is attempting to make sense of the world, and a consistent sleep routine becomes a vital anchor in this journey.
If you are sending your child mixed signals, extensive crying may be the result. Why? Crying is your baby’s or toddler’s only way to express their confusion or “Ask you a question”.
Let’s take a look at a few examples of inconsistency that can (totally unintentionally) lead to disturbed sleep of your little one:
Mom nurses her baby to sleep at bedtime. When he wakes up during the night, sometimes she nurses him back to sleep, and sometimes Dad rocks him to sleep. Usually, at some point, he’s crying in confusion and frustration. Too tired to deal with it, Mom or Dad ends up taking him into their own bed, only to go through the whole mess again the next night.
Write up a sleep plan (if needed with the help of a qualified sleep consultant) considering your child’s age, temperament and needs. Take into account recommended awake windows and nap length. Decide how you will put your baby to sleep at bedtime (and how you will support them) and how you will respond to them waking during the night (including moments for feeding if applicable). Try to stick to the plan, particularly to your responses to avoid sending your baby mixed signals (“Normally I go to sleep on Mummy’s breast but here I am on Dad’s arm, am I supposed to play now?). Choose your responses carefully – make sure that you will actually be able to carry them out consistently.
The parent lets the baby cry –sometimes for fifteen or thirty minutes because they are desperate and were told it might work. But Mom or Dad can’t take the tears, and one of them ends up picking up the baby and rocking him to sleep. Without realizing it, Mom or Dad is training the baby that if he cries long and hard enough, his parents will do whatever they can to get him to sleep, and he will never learn to do it himself.
Don’t embark on a cry-it-out approach if you can’t stand the tears (and very honestly: who can? Whose heart won’t cringe hearing your baby cry on their own from the outside of the door?). Look into a gentler approach (like my approach) – one that encourages parents to reassure their child continuously, to stay close-by and to react to them. Whatever way you choose, the most important thing is that you are 100% convinced that you will be able to apply it consistently; everything else would be utterly unfair to your child.
A parent brings their child into her bed, but only after 5:00 am. This is a problem, as I’ve yet to meet a young child who can tell time. They will wake up earlier and earlier, not understanding why it’s against the rules to go into Mom’s bed at 2:00 am or 3:00 am but perfectly okay at 5:00 am. What the heck is a clock anyway?
Follow the advice in my article on early rising. A baby or toddler waking up in the early morning hours is a particularly tough challenge for us as parents (who wants to get up at 5am?) but especially here, consistency is absolutely key if you want to avoid many months (or even years) of (very) early waking.
Now that we understand the importance of consistency, let's delve into how you can maintain it:
Take some time (if applicable, together with your partner and/or other caregivers looking after your child regularly) to agree on your approach when it comes to your child’s sleep. How is your child going to sleep, do you help him with that and if so, how do you respond to your child when they wake at night, how do you react when they refuse their nap or wake up early from their nap. Think it through and try to see it through: make sure that whatever you choose is an approach that you support whole-heartedly. If you start responding consistently to your child, you will see that sleep will become less of a struggle. Make sure that you align well with other caregivers.
Establish a Clear Routine
Create a structured sleep routine that includes consistent times for naps and bedtime. Repetition helps reinforce the sleep cues that signal your child's body that it's time to wind down. You can think of repeating the same activities in the same order, for example: Sleep-wake-up-feed/eat – play – sleep.
Consistent Sleep Environment
Design a sleep-conducive environment that remains the same each night. Dim the lights, maintain a comfortable room temperature, and use soothing sleep associations like a favourite stuffed toy or blanket.
Adaptability with Patience
While consistency is key, there will be times when flexibility is necessary. Illnesses, travel, or developmental leaps might disrupt the routine. In such cases, be patient and adapt while returning to the routine as soon as possible.
Gradual Transitions
As your baby grows, their sleep needs will evolve. Transitioning from co-sleeping to crib or adjusting nap schedules should be done gradually, allowing them to adapt to the changes.
Communication
Your child might not understand words, but they respond to the tone of your voice and your body language. Consistently use a calm and soothing demeanour during sleep times.
Now that you're equipped with the tools to maintain consistency, let's take a look at the positive impact it will have on your child's sleep and overall well-being:
In the whirlwind of parenthood, sleep consistency emerges as your steadfast ally. The journey might have its twists and turns, but by committing to a routine and one way of responding to your child and nurturing your baby's need for predictability, you're laying the foundation for a lifetime of healthy sleep habits. Remember, you're not just creating a sleep routine; you're creating a haven of comfort and security for your little one, where every night is a promise of peaceful dreams and rejuvenating rest. So, embrace the power of consistency and watch as your baby blossoms into a well-rested, content, and thriving individual.
Start with something simple yet powerful: Read in this free ebook about the 5 things you should change in your child's bedroom to sleep better tonight.
Vanessa De Malmazet is the founder of Like Dreaming - Sleep Coaching practice for babies and toddlers. When Vanessa is not working with her clients, she loves dancing and digging sand castles with her kids on the beach in front of her house.
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